Friday, September 14, 2007

Breathe In, Breathe Out - A Cancer Recovery Journal - 2

Day 4 Tuesday 8/28/07: 8:30 AM - Ema, her sister, Linda and I met with Dr. B., the orthopedic oncologist, yesterday late afternoon. He spoke with us for nearly a half hour, explained the bizarre nature of the tumor he removed, the plan for treatment and further detection of rogue tumors.

2:40 PM – I take back anything I may have written earlier about how knowledge is power, and helps relieve stress. Ema just called and told me she just talked to Dr. U., her main oncologist who was “very concerned” and wants to treat this aggressively and immediately. He said he’s concerned that it may have already spread because the tumor was in her for nearly a year and had grown to ‘high grade’ status. Hearing this has made me even more anxious about getting this CT scan ASAP. Hopefully we’ll get it scheduled for later this week.

Day 5 Wednesday 8/29/07: 7:00 AM – I feel like my life force is draining from me. I have no spark, little personality. I feel numb but in tremendous pain at the same time.

Yesterday Ema was able to make an appointment to get a CT Scan for tomorrow (Thursday) at 3:30. Today we’re going to work on arranging to get results before the long, Labor Day weekend ahead.

Day 6 Thursday 8/30/07: 8:30 AM – We’re playing the waiting game. Ema had her CT scan yesterday afternoon and we should hear today or tomorrow whether her lungs are clear. I’ve learned that the liver and brain are also ‘popular’ destinations for metastasis. What other fun facts await us?

I’m dwelling on loss this morning – not a good thing. The more I read about sarcomas, the more I understand how tenacious the disease is. Long term survival rates are not promising. Can Ema be here for another three years, another five? Will she be one of the lucky ones to be cancer-free for the long run? There’s a part of me that wishes I had a more profound connection to my higher power. Another part of me that recognizes I’m too upset to make friends with an all-powerful being at the moment. Now may not be the best time to find God. Some may argue it’s the best time. I don’t have the energy to decide so I do a little psychotic shuffle between praying and pleading with God and cursing the universe from the very depths of my soul. If there is a God, I hope He understands.

1:35 PM – I’ve been searching for the right word to describe my mood today, and it just came to me – heartbroken. I’m the closest I’ve been to breaking down and bawling in my hands. Not a great thing to do while at work, and the pressure to keep it inside does nothing but add to my anxiety. Still waiting for CT results.

2:35 PM –Ema just got back to her work after her appointment with her radiologist, and she called me to tell me the preliminary CT results showed no signs of cancer. Thank God! Then the question – what does ‘preliminary’ mean in this case? Okay, shut up – allow this relief to sink in, settle, take a deep breath.